“Failure is jus…

“Failure is just part of the process, and it’s not just okay; it’s better than okay. God doesn’t want failure to shut us down. God didn’t make it a three-strikes-and-you’re-out sort of thing. It’s more about how God helps us dust ourselves off so we can swing for the fences again. And all of this without keeping a meticulous record of our screw-ups.”

― Bob Goff, Love Does: Discover a Secretly Incredible Life in an Ordinary World

This is a quote from a book I am reading tonight. I would label this an eye opener. I truly am saved by grace and grace alone. Humbling, striking, unnerving.

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Summer 2013

Zoey
My three year old running in my backyard. I froze this moment in time. In a word, it is innocence.

My last post was a long time ago. I remember when I used to blog frequently; those old posts make me feel quite nostalgic.

Those snippets serve as a helpful reminder of how far I’ve actually come in my journey, in my story. I can’t believe the audacity of some of my former stories and others, I wish I still carried that same, fighting spirit.

Now, I am age 26. I have two amazing children, and will be celebrating seven years of marriage July 15 to the love of my life, Ruth. I own a house in the suburbs of Lower Sackville, work at a job that challenges me and am part of a church with people on the same spiritual journey as I am. God is good to me.

Music in my life is always shifting. These days, the path turned toward a little Irish band called Kodaline. Think U2 and Coldplay having a date and meeting Bon Iver for breakfast.

This one song of theirs really stood out to me, especially this lyric:

You always try to see yourself
Through the eyes of someone else

When I heard these words, I couldn’t help but feel as if they knew exactly how I behave in my day to day life. I’ve been struggling with this very issue. I focus on my demeanor and attitude in front of other people instead of attempting to understand how God sees me.

When you let other people dictate what you should feel, or who you hang out with or what music is hip or why their lifestyle is something you should have, you are going to be let down. Maybe not right away but you will. I have experienced this – we all have.

I challenge you and I to work toward not seeing ourselves through the eyes of anyone and to pursue life the way you want to. I’m not saying to be insensitive to other people but be aware of what they say and do to you.

Don’t get knocked off the narrow path in your journey.

Fear isn’t only a guide to keep us safe; it’s also a manipulative emotion that can trick us into living a boring life … the great stories go to those who don’t give in to fear. – Donald Miller

Don’t fear what people will think of you or how they see you. Be smart; purse wisdom. Love people more than yourself. Love Jesus because he’s the only thing that matters anyway.

 

Summer 2013

Delete

I’ll cut right to the chase. I’ve been getting fed up with Facebook and my addiction (so sad to say) to it. Now, I don’t spend hours a day on it, but the time I do spend on it makes me feel like I’ve accomplished absolutely nothing. I mean, it’s brilliant on Facebook’s part, fooling people into believing they are actually bettering their lives. But it’s no way to spend your time and now, the blue and white veil has been lifted from my eyes.

So, I quietly began deleting people months ago. It started with people I didn’t know (a pretty obvious decision) and then moved on to people I kind of knew. After removing them as a friend, I felt as if I made a bad decision. “How would these people feel?” I would think aloud. That’s when I realized my ego was bigger than it ought to be. “Did it really matter?” was the conclusion I came to. Digital friends are hard to hang out with and kind of a bore.

Pretty soon, the deleting of people became an obsession. I started in on the people I went to church with growing up, my former classmates and even people I still see on a regular basis. Before I knew it, over 300 “friends” were gone. Kaput. Deleted. It felt good to cut this out of my life.

My list of friends is now mainly family, close friends and, well that’s about it. And that’s how it should be and hopefully will remain that way. I’m still debating whether to deactivate the account, but I’ll revisit that another day. For now, a news feed of information from people I am interested in will suffice. At the very least, it won’t keep me occupied when I log on.

Delete

unknown for now…

I’ve been struggling today with a burden. I have this strange need for people to like me and it clouds my mind, rendering me unable to think. I don’t like the idea that someone doesn’t like me, which I realize is a fruitless thought that will do nothing to better my soul. So I just need to move on and deal with it. Problem is, I want resolve and peace. Does that make me a wimp, or a mediator? Writing these thoughts down helps me articulate my feelings, even if it does nothing to soothe them. My heart feels heavy, and the joy I usually carry with me seems non-existent. It’s tough not knowing the big picture. Character building, some would call it. A test of my endurance. If so, then I am failing in the patience category. I honestly hope things will work out and the given situation will improve.

unknown for now…

As She Plays With Her Hair

[I came across this old poem or whatever you want to call it tonight while cleaning out the den in our house. Sound like Bob Dylan’s 115 dream or a lovesick teenager]

As she plays with her hair

I know that she’s thinking of me

Way out, under the stars in the dark of my mind

Find me and I will be here waiting for you

I’m alone, checking my shoes, in the winter cold

And when you think the day is fine

Remember girl you’re mine

We’ll be together, it’s a strange situation

I’ve been lost in your eyes, never getting out

Found a map in the depths of your mind

Help me when I’m down

Drive away the clowns

I’ll be your hero, if you’re my heroine

She’s a princess to all and to me

She lets me go to be free

I’m the jester in her hallstripping up and down, left and right

In spite of all the danger

Hold me, thrill me, won’t you hold my hand

Walk to me, I’ll show you what it’s like to dance

And if I ever see you afraid

Remember that our God has made

A beautiful girl, who can’t hide from the filthy world

You’ve got a sweater from him which makes you smile

He’s got sad eyes that can see for miles

Show him all that you can

He’ll take you down the trail of love

Tossing and turning all the way there

Drifting, floating along this river of love

I find that I can never say enough about you

When you look at me, I know that someone cares

A person to put away my fears

Please don’t leave, I can’t bear to see you go

My heart breaks every night that you are gone

Never have enough time with the girl, she’s never known

And she makes him sad inside

To grin and bear the lies

To live and to have never loved

To be or not to be was never a question asked of me.

As She Plays With Her Hair